How great is God. I’m coming up to being a full time missionary for 3 years now. My simple task is to spread the gospel. But what is the gospel? Jesus, who was God in flesh, came down to become our mediator and kill that which was killing us. He took death in himself and bore and concluded it. Then He came back and claimed Death dead. Whoever claimed Jesus as their Lord and beloved would be saved as it is the truth. Of course, this is so deep we will never fully understand and comprehend it.

I am challenged in life. The way I put myself first is a constant struggle while living. I’m surrounded by people who are full of humility, gentleness and love, giving their lives up to serve God with this calling. But I still start putting the responsibilities of leadership and life ahead of me. Thinking of what’s to come. What’s next? I start making these thoughts who I am and letting go of what God has done for me by not being thankful. I take the promises of what He has told me about my future as idols and can’t get them out of my head. They start to lead me instead of showing the hope and excitement of what God will do in my life today. My fears and worries of money become a burden instead of remembering how God has supplied me month after month and never failed. My mind starts to think about the future and not be present. I place my identity in the leadership that I have and with the countries an experience of have instead of what God did for me on the cross. It’s the wrestle of pride.

This year is a continued relearning of the basics. Life starts moving so fast that you think doing all these things will make you more fulfilled and happy and then forget to seek Christ first and love Him like you used to. In the beginning it was so simple. I loved Jesus with all I had and waited and listened. 

It’s easy to not compare myself to the world and what my friends in my hometown are doing with their lives. But instead, I look at the other missionaries I know. I see what God has done in their lives and desire that. When I look at the provision of the car, trips, baptisms and other things to make myself feel less than, I feel like I’m not doing enough. I need more to satisfy God’s love. I need to show that I’m loved by God. Pride really has seeped into my life this past 9 months. It’s difficult because once you think you have it all together you need to be reminded. You see someone with more knowledge or someone who has questions and you need to know more. It’s never ending. It’s never enough. And I’m tired of it. There is nothing I can do. He did it all. His blood makes me white as snow. His wounds that he was inflicted with on the way to the cross freed me. The words and pain that were screamed at him, make it so nothing will hold on to me. He was so alone the Father turned his face from Him. He understood being alone from God. As God He took it. His friends and family betrayed him. No matter who betrayed me, it’s happened to him so I can go through it. He did it all so I don’t have to do it alone. I have Him to put my heart and soul into. I just need to accept the love He poured out onto me. The surfing, money, friends, fruit of the ministry, countries visited, demons cast out, minds set free, none of it compares to Jesus who I know and love. 

I just arrived back from a trip to Utah which is full of manipulated, prideful people. They love what they have and refuse to listen to what you have to offer. It was exhausting going from place to place where the atmosphere was thick with darkness, hollow and void of love. Faces with death behind their eyes. Caring and doing what was good to them to earn heaven and freedom but being chained by that. Never enough for them with no guarantee of heaven. They claim they know what we know. Jesus was a man who saved them, but here Jesus didn’t do enough. They need to put in effort to claim their spot in heaven and righteousness. Who is righteous but only God? Who is worthy but only God? Jesus wasn’t deserving of being on the cross and dying. But only He could do it for our sin. After coming back from the trip and being so tired physically and spiritually, I seek the presence of Christ. The Spirit of Him who is above and none like any other. A spirit of freedom, contentment. Being itself. Life itself. 

I’m thankful to know that nothing I can do will satisfy God. It is in his hands. I sit at his table. He has a seat for me for all eternity. He needs to remind me of this again. Praise to Jesus who set me free of sin, of death. I’m reminded of the blessing I see of people around me. I’m full of joy and thankfulness of being set free. I’m thankful for what’s gifts and opportunities he has given me. Only Him. 

Being a missionary is difficult, but rewarding in the end. I’m honoured to be set apart to do full time missionary work. And thankful He pushed me enough to do it.